Archives: It's Called Fear

Intern Year:

So yesterday was my last day of orientation, and Monday is the day of reckoning. I've got my long white coat, I've been given my hospital tour and computer logins, I've been told 'good luck' at least a dozen times, and now it's just me and the enormous workload that lies ahead. I think I've been in a denial phase for the last little while. Going in, I was so determined not to be scared. "I'm well trained, I've done this kind of work before....I won't let it get to me." And yet here I am, feeling like I want to throw-up or quit or just take a very, very long nap.

I think part of it is that I now have to take more responsibility for any ignorance that will be uncovered. Gone are the days of, "I'm just a medical student," and here are the days of medical students looking to me for answers. Doctors obviously aren't supposed to know everything, but sometimes we put that pressure on ourselves. Or maybe it's everyone else who does that. :)

Another thing: now when my pager goes off to alert me that a patient is coding, I am supposed to be a first responder. Excuse me, what? I know. I'm supposed to run the code. I know it's all information that I've learned, but reading it in a book is much different from barking orders like, "You! Call the Code! You! Start Chest Compressions!"

I'm starting in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, which is definitely more intimidating. Patients are sick, sick, sick, and the learning curve is steeper.

I left orientation on Friday with a headache. Probably because I have a pretty good idea of what's ahead. I know what it feels like to wake up early and realize it's a race against time to get all your patients seen and notes written before it's time to round with your team. I know what it feels like to be on your 24th hour of a 30 hour shift and feel like you don't know how you'll make it through. I know what it feels like to cry out of pure frustration at the system, or sadness for a patient or embarrassment at having made a mistake. So it's easy to get a little tired thinking of it.

Luckily, I also know how incredible it can be to sit by a patients bed and explain what we're going to do to help them, and see them smile back at me. I know how it feels to be part of a team of other students and doctors and to laugh hysterically at things that no one else would ever think funny. I know how it feels to work yourself to the bone, but be confident that it was worth something.

All of which means, I'll probably still be here to tell the tale a year from now at my own 'intern' graduation.

Cross your fingers.